Last night Mental blocked me.
For the topic of gender is non of my bothers, yet I have been questioning the distance I've been feeling with what I understand as womanhood. Some say if you identify like something you must have been feeling like it. I haven't been feeling like one since I got aware of the topic. I am self-conscious of my innate feminity. I only started wearing make up when I started talking to my first boyfriend. I started wearing skirts too, I spoke softly and I documented it all with pictures and videos becaue I was eager to show him. From his side I got comments, sometimes nice that I barely remember since our brains are biased to the negatives of situations. other than that he told me that I'm trying too hard. Was it unnatural from the beginning?
At the gaming center I go to regularly, I am always the only girl. The first day I got there my hair was very short-the length hair grows to after 5 months of a buzz cut. I was ignored by then. They were like the way I imagine the bears felt towards Timothy Treadwell. Tolerance. That I'm gonna be tolerated till I'm not. I went there everyday after my rotations in the hospital, I always had my lab coat on. Now that my hair is getting longer I feel like I'm being percieved more as a girl. They notice me more, hence the mild teasing that makes me feel like I'm being watched.
Enduring pain in scilence and secrecy makes me feel like a prophet. A practice I need to adopt more often since I'm louder about my pains than should be.
Where does one go with oneself when eager to perish but death is unattainable? Where can I run away to so fast that I leave parts of myself behind?